arbor vitae

I remember back in junior high, how I used to watch Laguna Beach, which was basically a show about over-developed high school students who were rich, lived on a beautiful beach, and caused loads of unnecessary drama.

Anyways, it was the episode before prom, which always ended badly for stupid reasons, and these kids would get asked out in the most extravagant ways.

Even the show was ridiculous and stupid (at the time, it was addicting, I admit. And I watched it, so yeah), I always wanted one of those “prom” scenes, where this guy would just ask me out in an unexpected, but romantic and sweet way. I don’t mean handing me a rose and asking me to prom, which is still sweet and I would love in the first place, but I mean extravagant, like serenading outside my window or write it in the sky.

Yes, the last one is ridiculous, but come on! Wouldn’t that be simply amazing?

Not that a guy would dish out that much dough to buy a plane just to write that out. Not that a guy would even dish out the few dollars and cents it takes to buy a rose and hand it to me. Not that a guy would even consider asking me.

But still, I can dream, right?

And it’s even better when I imagine him asking me to prom in a quiet, shy, but extravagant way. Is that even possible?

hmph. guess I’m just down to dreaming the impossible dream again.

And I thought I was supposed to get over him?

New goal:

-get over him before prom so I don’t feel secretly miserable when I see him there with the lucky girl he DOES ask.

I feel miserable just imagining it.

-nikki.

thank you. and not just for the post, but for being a fantastic friend, in general.

I love receiving compliments, you’re right. they DO make me happy. But sometimes, I just have trouble accepting them. I don’t know. It’s probably my low self-esteem issues. I don’t believe in myself. And I always feel like whenever I receive a compliment, I have to remind them that there’s more bad qualities than there are good qualities. Does that make sense? I suppose it doesn’t, but that’s just what I feel. I can never take a compliment without degrading myself; that’s just how I am sometimes.

I realize I do this to a point where is IS self-degrading. You’re right. What’s worse is that I know it’s bad for my esteem, but I still do it. I don’t know how to stop! Maybe I should just tape my mouth after someone gives me a compliment (and, of course, after I say, “thank you” a million times)!

I just don’t feel like I deserve the compliments I receive. And when someone does compliment me, I have to remind them about the bad aspects of me. hmph. definitely not good for my self-esteem.

Number 3 is really tugging at my heartstrings, Natalie. :) I honestly think I give horrible advice, but I love cheering people up. And to hear that I’m good at it is just…it’s nice. thank you.

As for the rest of the list, I don’t know what to say. I can say thank you, and I will say thank you, but that’s not enough. I can’t even begin to express how your post and your friendship makes me feel better. I think it’s going to take a while for me to change. But, I’m gonna try. I need more confidence and self-esteem. Even I can admit that.

Also, I like being myself. If anyone’s going to be good at being Nikki Parnala, it should be me. hahaha.

Anyways, thank you. You’re truly a wonderful friend and an amazing person in general. I really, really appreciate what you wrote. I really do.

-love, nikki.

and I told myself, “boy away you go.”

it rained so hard it felt like snow.

everything came tumbling down on me.

in the back of the woods,

in the dark of the night.

paleness of the old moonlight,

everything just felt so incomplete,

dreaming of revelry.

I realized I don’t excel in anything.

I’m not good in math, english, history, science, art, you name it.

Sure, I can get by pretty well, but I don’t have a strength. a forte. that one thing that you are a master at and that you can do anytime, anywhere.

I also realized that whatever I’m passionate about, I’m not particularly good at it.

I love to write, but I’m not a good writer.

I love to paint, but I’m not a good painter.

I love to play the piano, but I’m not a good pianist.

What am I good at?

I guess I’m good at keeping out of trouble. What I mean by that is staying friendly with whoever I know. I don’t start drama. I was never involved in any serious drama. I’m still friends with people that I was friends with before. I don’t think people actually HATE me. They might dislike me, but I don’t think anyone hates me.

But being a “good” person or friend won’t get me far in life. Well, it might work for some people, or most people, but I feel like I won’t get anywhere far in life. What do I have to offer? Nothing.

I wish I was smart. I wish I could just know the answer to something without having to resort to a textbook or notes. I wish things just came easy for me, but they don’t. Life isn’t easy. It never is, not for anyone, so I really shouldn’t be complaining.

I just want to have some sort of idea where I’m going to be in the future.

-nikki.

what does the caption on his photo even mean? does it even apply to me? is it what I think it is?

Maybe I’m just over-analyzing things. It means nothing at all. If I think it means something, I’m never going to get over him.

I need to stop thinking too much. I need to stop thinking that it all means something, because it doesn’t. He means nothing by it. I know he does.

Day 1236597985562 of getting over him is definitely not working its full effects yet. I just need time.

And I need to just stop thinking so much.

Why are you so impossible to get over?

-nikki.

And yes, this is yet ANOTHER post regarding him. PUH-LEASE. When do I ever go a day without mentioning him at least ONCE?

This is probably one of the thousands of times I have and will be telling myself to get over him, but my attempts will fail miserably and I will find myself melting at the sight of his smile, again. and again. AND AGAIN.

I keep trying to convince myself to just get over him. Honestly. There are a million reason, maybe even more than that, that I should just not like him anymore. I shouldn’t have any interest in him whatsoever. The main reasons, basically, is that he is so out of my league, I’m definitely not his type, and he will NEVER like me the same way. I’m wasting my time. I know this. But I can NEVER get over him. WHY?

Why is it so hard to get over someone you know you’ll never stand a chance with? I honestly don’t know. I’ve already convinced myself that my efforts to pursue him have been stupid and pointless. I’ve already convinced myself that I’m not his type. I’ve already convinced myself that I will never stand a chance. But I still like him. What’s wrong with this picture?

It’s like the facebook group, “we go after the ones who ignore us and ignore the ones who go after us.” Is that true? I mean, in some cases, no, but in some cases, yes.

Hmph. I just…I don’t want to like him anymore, but I can’t help it. He’s just so…hmph. I like EVERYTHING about him. I really do. Appearance-wise, I think he’s EXTREMELY attractive. Personality-wise, I think he’s EXTREMELEY EXTREMELY attractive. And for his “flaws,” well, I really don’t give a damn. He is who he is. I like who he is.

Then again, I don’t really know him THAT well. Maybe what I see is what I think I want to see. Maybe he’s really a bad guy. Maybe he really isn’t my type.

I just give up my pursuit. I don’t know. I kinda have a feeling that he knows I like him, now he’s avoiding me and just wants to get away from me. Definitely. I can see why he doesn’t like me, I’m disgusting.

So, yeah. I guess that’s it. No matter how badly I wish at 11:11 for him to ask me to prom or tell me he likes me, no matter how much I imagine us being so happy together, no matter how badly I want him and like him and adore him and admire him, I’m going to give up because knowing that he’ll never like me hurts a lot. A LOT. And I’m better off moving on anyways.

hmph. I really never follow through with these kind of things, though.

-nikki.

I don’t mean because of school. Well, yes, school did add on to this busy week, but yeah.

I mean, just a lot of things have been happening all at once. I don’t know how I managed to get through everything without breaking down. I don’t know.

Anyways, tomorrow is the wedding. Super excited! It doesn’t even feel like it’s tomorrow, but it is.

-nikki.

(via blogsecret)